Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.