When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”