[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You Might Also Like
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”