Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Legend 🤣🤣
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up