I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Okay
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
#ParentingFacts
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.