She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story