I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*pokes sex life with a stick
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids