Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious