finally found a reasonable question
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
no such thing as a dumb question
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?