Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Jurassic park gets weird
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.