[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You Might Also Like
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I don’t get marriage
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10