My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
that lip filler tho
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Breaking news:
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him