[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Most fashion shows these days…
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that