Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Are you ok, human???
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson