I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?