One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.