I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.