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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If only.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
So that’s what we looked like?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification