My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986