ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.