[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
my mom making me talk to relatives
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.