I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?