“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
How can I say no to this ?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?