I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.