Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
monday
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal