Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I beg your pardon?
why am I working on Labor Day
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.