The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight