I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**