Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I support this random dude and all his protests
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston