[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’m awake but I object,
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country