Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
You Might Also Like
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁