Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Owl Sanctuary
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.