[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Potatoes were such a good idea
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips