Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The prophecy is fulfilled
so i’m at the stock market right
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying