“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Covid like
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
lol
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?