“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.