If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Breaking news:
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.