My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Just say no
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9