me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000