Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Cat is stressing him out.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat