I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
You Might Also Like
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
How do you like your Corgi?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Saturday
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and