It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
When news reporters do sports stories
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.