My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
You Might Also Like
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …