Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
God has left this place
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”