I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up