Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Sell your car
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My love language is hissing.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.