“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”