Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday