I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice