Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
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Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time